Recovery & Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
If you have ever experienced narcissistic abuse, then you unfortunately know how damaging it can be to you in all the ways and how it impacts your overall health from your physical, to your mental and emotional and even damaging your spiritual self. Narcissistic abuse is like all forms of mental, emotional and psychological abuse, but on steroids, and unless you have personally experienced it, it can be difficult to comprehend. It can be difficult to identify that you are experiencing narcissistic abuse because often times, the abuse happens very gradually and can be difficult to spot. Often times, gaslighting from the abuser makes you question yourself and your judgment and this is where we often dismiss things that we question as potential abuse. Narcissists are extremely good and are the “Kings” of going undetected and are not only skilled, but have strategized this abuse and their tactics to the nth degree.
So if you are able to spot the signs of narcissistic abuse and are able to get out of the relationship with the narcissist, one may think that things will quickly become better, but unfortunately, healing from narcissistic abuse can be a healing journey filled with challenges of ups and downs and can feel like you are permanently on the roller-coaster of life. This is where the “trauma bond” comes into play. Trauma bonds are what can make it difficult for the healing journey, and can often times, lead to a “relapse” with the narcissist. What I mean by relapse, is that it’s similar to an abusive relationship in that the survivor can often “miss” their abuser, which I know, seems unfathomable, but trauma bonding is what often keeps many stuck in the abusive relationship.
What is trauma bonding? Trauma bonding is that “psychological hold” that keeps you stuck and connected to the narcissist despite the abuse. Trauma bonding has been described as being similar to an addiction, a drug addiction like heroine in that it keeps your brain addicted, craving another “hit” even though you know how bad it is for you and that it can potentially kill you and be fatal. That, is essentially the hold of a trauma bond and is what keeps you “craving” the narcissist. It’s not that you miss the abuser, rather it’s about how your brain is conditioned to all the “dopamine hits” from them, both the good and the bad. This trauma bond is often the reason why some survivors often reach out, attempt to re-engage or take the narcissist back because of this psychological damage and the psychological hold. This is why healing can feel like an emotional rollercoaster.
Here are some things to remember along your healing journey:
Acknowledge all the feelings: Sometimes simply just acknowledging the feelings can help reduce some of the intensity of them, and if we can just accept them for “as they are”, it can help. Just simply accepting them and accepting how you are feeling doesn’t always mean we have to do something about them. Even accepting feelings of grief, sadness and loss are important. It is also okay to miss the person, just recognize that you miss who they “presented” as, not who they actually are. It is also okay to be grieving the loss of who you thought they were but also the loss of your future life and the life that you had planned.
Stay connected to supports: This is crucial because there are a lot of emotions that come with navigating not only an abusive relationship with a narcissistic, but also with the healing journey which is filled with many highs and lows. The narcissist often does a good job of isolating you from your friends, family and supports. Re-engaging with them can be beneficial to you as it is extra support. The other thing about connection, is share your story. In sharing your story with others, it not only helps others to understand and learn about narcissistic abuse, but it can be therapeutic to you and your healing journey.
Keep yourself occupied: Keeping yourself busy at least to a certain extent, is helpful and beneficial especially in the early stages of your healing journey. By keeping busy with tasks, connecting with others and doing things you enjoy, it helps keep your mind and thoughts busy and less time spent on ruminating or perseverating thoughts. Narcissists seem to be great at occupying your mind and your thoughts, often their words being filled with damaging and hateful things that can affect how we see ourselves and what we think about ourselves and is also damaging to self esteem and self confidence.
Go no contact: This is essential and imperative for your healing journey, but can be difficult due to the trauma bond. By going no contact, it essentially gives you the needed space and distance from the narcissist and allows you to be able to start to process all that you have been through. It is also crucial in not letting the abuser have any further access to you to cause further damage. Going no contact can be difficult and some days, feel impossible, but you can do it!
Trying to navigate your healing and recovery journey from narcissistic abuse can feel lonely, isolating and at times, have you feeling all out of sorts, but I promise, over time, it DOES get better. There are a lot of online support groups that are also a great resource and can be helpful when others around you may not understand and can be helpful in those late hours of the night when those dark and ruminating thoughts and anxiety tends to show up. Just know that you are NOT alone and recovery takes time. But you WILL get through this, you WILL get over this and your life WILL be that much better without the narcissist.
For more info on healing from narcissistic abuse and recovery or if you are wanting to book a counselling session, Mallery works with survivors of narcissistic abuse and has extensive training and knowledge in intimate partner violence. To reach out you can email Mallery@serenityandsoulhealing.com or you can book your counselling session by visiting our website www.serenityandsoulhealing.com
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